What I've Learned

This semester, I've learned quite a lot.

First of all, that conflict isn't a bad thing. It's a great way to solve issues that have already occurred and prevent issues from becoming larger than necessary. If one is able to properly address conflict, it really does not need to be a larger issues.

STLC: This is a great tool, and I am glad I was able to learn about it. I think that part of my problem in conflict before taking this course was that I was so quick to interrupt others and not listen to them because I did not always find their feelings to be valid because they were not how I was viewing the situation. However, now I am aware of how to stop, think, listen, and communicate with the person with whom I have a conflict.

I-Feelings are huge, too. I have always had a tendency do assign my feelings to someone else and make them own how I was feeling instead of owning my own feelings, which is wrong. In order to truly solve a problem and avoid defensiveness, it is important to OWN how we are feeling rather than make it someone else's doing.


I think learning about different types of communicators was helpful for me, too, because I learned the ways in which my style was ineffective. I always thought that I was good at communicating because I always gave my opinion. Although this does have its pros, it also can make situations worse by being too assertive and not listening to the other's side and actually HEARING them.

Also, i thought that it was extremely beneficial to learn about mediation. Throughout life, you will be stuck in the middle of an issue and it's a great skill to know how to maturely and fairly. I think that in knowing rules that the mediator is supposed to follow (equal speaking time, no assisting in the conclusion, no personal attacks, ect) is helpful. It was also helpful because these same rules can be applied if I am ever in a situation that is being mediated, I am aware of how I should be acting and what is normal.

ch. 16/2

I truly enjoyed the content of this class this semester. Before I took it, I always viewed conflict as being something completely negative and something that always just ends in an argument until people are able to pull it together and come to some sort of conclusion about why they're upset and how they can resolve the issue they are dealing with. I appreciated that the book was really easy to read and had a lot of great information that was relevant and I could apply to my life. I also liked that we did the blog. Because I prefer live interaction and we did not have a time when we actually met as a class, I appreciated that we still had interaction and were able to collect ideas from others in the class.

I am not a fan of online classes, so any issues I had with the class directly relate to that. I didn't like that I wasn't able to get a write out for the blog entires so I knew what was wrong with them and could get a better grade. I also like having an actual relationship with my teacher, which, in my opinion, is sort of hard to do when the class is online.

I would 100% recommend this class to others. I think it has a great amount of life skills (like all COMM classes do) and would be very beneficial. I think if people were able to get a better idea of how to deal with conflict, they would not have such a negative view of it. I think even if you're not a communication studies major,it's great to know because you will ALWAYS have to deal with conflict, no matter who you are, where you work, or what you do.

CH. 16/1

I think the reason people typically have a negative view of conflict is because they are intimidated by it because it involves, as most people think, either having to let someone attack them in some way, or having to deal with someone who has hurt them in some way, which can be really painful. Many people are probably also view conflict negatively because they end up not fully resolving their issue, and if they do, the channels they use are probably not the most effective.  If you are able to successfully address and manage conflict, it is not necessarily a horrible situation. Although conflict can be uncomfortable, if it is handled responsibly, it is much less so. I do think that as people learn more about conflict they fear it less because it starts being viewed as something that is actually really helpful, not hurtful. If you are able to handle conflict in such a way that is productive, it will most likely end well with mutually satisfying results that both parties are pleased with. 

12/3

One issues that I could relate to was overblown conflict. The first story that came into my head was actually on Christmas Eve when my family was on our annual trip to the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto.  (Background: I live with my aunt, uncle and two cousins). Anyway, I had just been going through a lot because of some issues my mom was having and it was really close to the two year anniversary of my dad's death, so, needless to say, I was on edge and emotionally exhausted (probably physically, too). Anyway, I wanted to go into Tori Burch (a high-end store) and my cousin said something along the lines of, "why would you go in there," or something like that. To me, she sounded really condescending because I wanted to go in there, so I sort of snapped at her. It ended up causing a small altercation between the two of us and we ended up not talking Eventually, she (I think) came over to me and we talked it out. I apologized to her for losing my temper. I explained that I was really stressed out with issues in my family, and she sounded like she was judging my taste (or whatever).

Point being, it's really easy to just take the blame in your life out on someone else, but it is really important to try your hardest not to. Luckily for me, my cousins are sisters to me so I know that no matter the fight, we'll be okay. However, acting like this will not always guarantee a relationship at the end, because I know I would refuse to constantly be involved with someone who wasn't able to target their emotions properly.

week 12/2

Ch 12.

I have made internal attributions about other people before and it is horrible to do. For example, if I have ever heard something about someone and I then treat them the way that I have heard I should. For example, if I have heard that someone is extremely dumb, I might respond by sort of automatically assuming they can't understand what it is I'm saying (subconsciously or consciously) and this could easily irritate me. I think it's really important to understand that people have "off" days and that people also perceive things differently because it's all subjective.

However, I used to work at a hotel and I would assume that because they were staying at a resort, they had some money to spend. I would make sure I was extremely nice to all guests because that way I would be more likely to be tipped. Also, I would be EXTRA friendly with guests who I knew had been drinking because I had experienced that they would be buddy-buddy with me if I was friendly and funny when around them and they'd tip me well.

Honestly, attitude means a great deal in life. If you are making things up in your head that you find to be true about someone or a situation, it could totally work against you. Then again, it could work in your favor if you use it more positively.

week 12/1

CH 10:

When I googled the words Forgiveness and Reconciliation, many religious websites came up with way of how to forgive/reconcile, as well as the benefits of doing so.  As for Revenge, the majority of what I saw was information regarding TV shows.

When I looked, the term Revenge had more results by quite a large amount. Honestly, this doesn't shock me at all because of the sites that were producing information regarding the word. Today, people are fixated on TV and all of the drama, which very frequently comes with types of vengeful acts occurring. These types of events exist not only in the Soaps and on other types of dramas like Desperate Housewives  but also on reality TV.  For example, I LOVE the show Jersey Shore  (YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD!). For those who watch it, Mike is always trying to do something to produce drama and "get back" and the other members of the household. Also, this is extremely present on game-type shows that involve money, like Survivor.  Although I don't watch Survivor, I know that teammates will fight against each other and do horrible things to settle the score. I think we, as viewers, like to watch things like this is because we see things that we ourselves wouldn't do (or would like to think we don't do). Plus, let's be honest, we like to watch programs that are more focused on the drama; I think few people go out of their way to watch a show where people are forgiving each other and moving forward from issues regarding their relationship. I think most people say that they hate drama (myself included), but I think that's more relevant so long as it's not YOUR life involving drama; I think we all like to hear about situations with others. This is why most people LOVE a "good" secret and like to watch [trashy] TV.

week 10/3

I thought it was interesting how the text talked about how neglecting to forgive can have both physical and mental consequences. I had never thought of it before, but it makes total sense to me. For myself, when I am holding onto something, it makes me physically exhausted. For example, my family was having some pretty big issues a while back and I didn't know how to deal with the situation in terms of forgiveness. For a while, I was always extremely tired and lacked all the enthusiasm that I normally have because I was carrying all of this within me. However, when I was able to take a step back and analyze the situation differently, it made me feel SO much better. I had so much more energy and was much happier. I think when we don't forgive, we hold onto that stress, and stress causes great health effects.

week 10/2

Although there currently is no one in my life that I is trying to make amends with me over an issue, there have definitely been times in the past where that has come up.

The first example that came to my head was my friend who, out of the blue (well, to us at least because we were unaware there was a problem) decided to "drop" my best friend and I as friends. She literally stopped talking to us, was unresponsive and it took her best friend (who was also one of my best friends) telling me (after I asked) that she no longer had a desire to be friends anymore. 

I was really angry for a while. I felt like she was a tactless coward and after so many years of friendship, the LEAST she could have done was talk to me about what she was feeling or say it to my face instead ignoring me. I was also extremely confused by her actions because just a few weeks before all this happened, she gave me a birthday present and we seemed okay.

Later on, she contacted me and wanted to talk. We met up and discussed the issue, but the trust had been breached: I didn't know HOW to talk to her because I was still so upset with how she had previously handled things.  I told her we could try to be friends again, and sure enough with enough time, things went back to the way they were originally. 

In retrospect, I think that I felt pressured to either accept or deny her apology instantly rather than letting things sit and wait until I was actually able to forgive her instead of saying I was over it when I wasn't.

Week 10/1

I think that when I used facebook I use it as a way to sort of express my interests and hope that those interests might attract other to me, in a sense. For example, under the type of movies and TV shows I like, I have a lot of comedies. I find myself to be a fairly funny person, and I think that maybe to a certain extent I want to make that clear to people who might look at my profile.

I think as a whole I represent myself in a pretty classy way. I don't post pictures of myself doing inappropriate things (drinking alcohol when I am underage, dressed inappropriately, ect). This is for a few reasons. Aside from the fact that I don't think it's "cool" to show that I enjoy drinking,  it is also mainly because I do not want to promote that image of myself to my family who use facebook or to give people something to talk negatively about me.

Also, I don't talk about my REALLY intimate personal life on facebook. If there is a death in my family, I might upload pictures but I won't make a status update about it because I think people use certain situations for attention, which I don't like. Also, I avoid politics on facebook.  In my opinon, my beliefs (religious, political, ect) are MINE and I don't think they need to be broadcasted.

I do have some regrets in regards to things I have posted. The first thing that came to mind was a post I made regarding something my younger brother said. My dad's family is Jewish, and my little brother did not know what a Yamaka was and he called it a  "Hannukah Hat." At the time, I thought it was really funny (*note that it was also the context of the story that made it funny), and I made a status about it. My Jewish uncle was extremely offended by it, and commented on the post. I was MORTIFIED. I had in NO WAY intended to knock Judaism at all, and I felt awful. I deleted the post instantly and called both he and my aunt to try to repair the situation.

This relates to conflict and communication because I had to follow the steps much like the book said. I had to recognize there was an issue (which wasn't hard because he told me) and make a remedy for it, which was my most sincere apology.

ch.7/3

I think one thing about myself is that I need to work on changing my attitude about some things. The text talks about developing a Playful Attitude and, though I do this for other situations, I do tend to allow a certain situation to ruin my fun because I am too worried about everything that could go wrong or has gone wrong. Also, if I am put into certain situations and don't feel comfortable just saying "no," then I will end up resenting the person who made the original plans.

For example, I am visiting some family out of state right now. My cousin asked me if I wanted to hang out with a guy she works with and her because "he wanted to meet me." Although I knew this was a lie and it was just an excuse for him to hang out with my cousin because he likes her, I agreed.

The entire night I was the awkward third wheel. I felt totally uncomfortable because she wasn't being herself because she was trying to hard to impress him so I felt like I couldn't be myself. The were really cuddly all night and, frankly, I was really pissed off all night.

I should have just joined in the fun and kept myself occupied instead of being bitter.

ch 7/8--post 2

I think I react differently to different situations.

I try to address people calmly and sort through the problem, but that isn't always the case (it's mostly not the case). I think when I am really angry, I tend to BLOW UP, and if I am not yelling, I am talking aggressively and quickly. The text mentioned something about this being because it makes me think that I am getting my anger out or moving forward, and I think that might be why I am doing it, which is odd, because I KNOW screaming at someone isn't going to be productive in the long run.

If I get more upset than angry, I might leave the room if I don't feel like I am capable of handling the situation much longer.

And, like the book mentions, I am a venter. I will get with my friends and ventventvent about whatever it is. Sometimes that makes me feel better and I don't feel angry, and sometimes it makes me all the more pissed off so I have to go talk to the person with whom I'm angry. Page 145 mentions only seeing one's own perspective, but I think that I am pretty good about seeing their point, too, although I know at the end of the day, I am going to be more prone to thinking I am [mostly] right.


The way I handle anger most is by getting really upset, and it just adds to the problem all the more. If you aren't able to step back and calm down, you work yourself up, making yourself mentally and physically sick and often times you say and do things you don't mean to do i.e, slander, physical aggression, ect.

It's embarrassing, but I have been so angry with people before that I have said HORRIBLE things because I HAD to "even the score."

ch 7/1

Solution One: For school, I think one way I could viewing it would be to see it as something I enjoy. I am at the point in my academic career where I am supposed to be ENJOYING the classes I am taking because I am choosing to take them. If I can look at my courses and see the ways in which I like them and how they pertain to my life, it will make them more enjoyable.

As for work, I should start doing exactly what the book says: Finding joy in it. This is something I have actually been working on doing lately. I used to HATE going to work because everyone there, I felt, was in a clique and I was the outsider. Now that I am starting to become better friends with my coworkers and more familiar in what I do, I don't feel the pressure of hypostress anymore.

Solution Two: Related to school, If I can find fun ways to do my work, it will make it much more enjoyable. For example, if I can study for classes with my friends or find cool ways of learning material, it will make it more fun. I think this is much easier when you have a teacher that helps with that. If s/he creates an environment that is fun to be in, it makes the whole experience much more worth it, and you WANT to be involved.

Work: If I can joke around with my coworkers, it will make it more fun. I used to be very serious, but I am breaking out of that shell.

Solution Three: 

School: In school, my number one problem is not doing my work when I should be doing it. For example, I tend to wait until the last minute to do things because I always overestimate the amount of time I have. By getting myself organized, I will be able to calm myself down because I will not be as behind.

Work: I know that the reason I got bored with work is because I am often tired and behind in other work, so by keeping up with my otehr studies, I would probably enjoy work more. And, as I have stated, being more friendly with my coworkers won't hurt!

ch6/p3

I think the topic of trust was really interesting.

As children, we are raised to not trust strangers (which is obviously GREAT advice), but I think we are taught to automatically trust those around us too. This is a slippery slope, in my opinion, because it isn't healthy to not have any trust in anyone, but I think you do have to watch your back in a lot of ways.

I think it's interesting how people sort of just give their trust away, when, in my eyes, it should be earned. Interestingly enough, I don't always make people earn my trust. For example, if I am hanging out with someone I don't know extremely well, I might go ahead and tell them intimate details about my life if I feel comfortable, even though I don't really know what kind of person they are, or what they will do with that information. I think people who know they are trustworthy tend to give others the same credit, because that's what I think I do.

This kind of made me wonder if perhaps people use trust to have power in relationships. For example, if I know someone has a lot of "dirt" on me, I might be less likely to rub them the wrong way in fear that they might expose some personal information about me. I think it's interesting because I know this is something I would never do. Even for people I don't consider to be my friend anymore, I still have a respect for them, which is hard, because I know this isn't reciprocated.

chatper 6---post 2

The example of someone I have lost trust in is someone who I considered to be a good friend, who abused my trust by telling others intimate details about my life. This girl, who was a best friend of mine. (We'll call her Jessica).

I had confided in her, and had every reason to trust her because, stupidly, I never thought she would tell details about me because we were so close. 

I found out that she had told details about something I had told her about one day by total accident; a friend (We'll call her Cathy) mentioned some details that I knew she would only know because she was the only person I told.

At first, I was nonchalant because I wanted to see how much the third party would divulge. Then, I asked how  Cathy knew the details, and she tried to cover up for Jessica. Then, I called Jessica out. I told her it was, shady that she did that and I was upset. What REALLY bothered me was that she tried to deny it, THEN she tried to justify it.

I was pretty upset. I didn't talk to her for a little while, but then to not ruin what we were doing, I sort of just snapped out of it.

I realized that, as sad as it may be, you really can't trust anyone. In my experience, only family can be trusted, because (generally speaking) they will have your back no matter what.

I think what irritated me the most was that she didn't just own up to what she had done; she lied about her lie. If she had been up front about what she did, I would have been a lot less annoyed with the situation.

Chapter 6---Post 1 (Power)

It was asked what it feels like being in an unbalanced relationship, and to me, it really depends on where you stand in relation to the other person on the "dominance" spectrum.

If you are the "powerful" one, odds are you feel more confident and are generally more happy about the relationship than the person who is less powerful; if you're less powerful, then you probably feel more insecure and uncomfortable than the powerful person, and are not as happy.

I know for myself, when I feel like I am the dominant one in the relationship, it makes me feel more confident in myself because I feel like I have control over the other person, or in some cases, people. This confidence can really vary: it can be a mental, emotional, social, ect. I feel a lot better about myself, and I feel like I can truly BE MYSELF. This includes being goofy, hyper, sad, loud, funny, and so on.


On the other hand, if I am with people that I do not know very well or I feel insecure around, I do not feel comfortable in my own skin and surroundings. I tend to be much quieter and give my input less frequently. I tend to be more reserved in my conversation, gestures, and so on. It is uncomfortable.

I think a lot of the times these situations occur are situational, depending on who I am with and where I am. 

For example, if I go to a party and I know a lot of people and everyone else might not know as many people, I tend to be more myself because I am comfortable in my surroundings; However, if I am somewhere where I know no one, I tend to be more reserved, especially if I am insecure about my looks in comparison.

However, I am a very independent person when it comes to how much "power" I will allow for someone to have over me. My mom has ALWAYS taught me not to be with someone who is controlling because that is the relationship she has with my stepdad and she hates it. I think if I would be able to be with someone who didn't let me do what I wanted to do.


I think that power and trust are definitely intertwined. I think that obviously there are people who are just controlling/passive and there are people who are just too trusting/not trusting enough, but I think for many people they don't trust, so they're controlling.

Chapter 4--Part 3

one of the topics that stuck out in my mind was the “I-Statement.” I thought it was really interesting how it talks about word choice in matters concerning conflict. The book talks about “owning” our feelings, which I thought was interesting. I know I sometimes find myself putting the blame on other people without realizing I am doing it. For example, to avoid feeling vulnerable, I will tell someone that they DID something in a situation instead of telling them how I actually FEEL regarding the issue. I do this because I don’t like the feeling of letting people know that something that happened made me feel a certain way, so it’s easier (and, frankly, it sort of makes me feel like I am the one who is dominant in the situation because I am assigning the blame) to ignore how I am truly feeling. I think the way the text describes the effects of not actually explaining your emotions has on an argument. For example, the book says, “accepting responsibility linguistically to result in defensiveness from the other person,” (77), which made a lot of sense. If one person is assigning all the blame and one person won’t accept any of it, the conversation won’t get far.

CHAPTER 4--Post One

In regards to how easy it is for me to stop an argument, it honesty varies, depending on the argument.

There have been a ton of arguments I have been in where I am able to listen, calmly, and really make an attempt to understand where the other person is coming from. My advice for this, is to kind of follow in the footsteps of the book. If you are able to just bite your tongue (and there have been MANY times where I have literally done so) and listen to what they’re saying, it ends up benefiting you tremendously. If you REALLY pay attention to what they’re saying, and you really HEAR them (because to me there is a huge difference between listening and hearing) it is going to end up making a difference to you both in the end. Odds are if you are arguing with someone, you must respect them on some level (or else you probably wouldn’t waste your time...I hope), so have enough respect to try to really understand their “I-Statements” like you’d want them to hear yours. I know it sounds corny, but it’s true. Also, you never know if maybe you previously misconstrued something that was said, and it could clear up the issue pretty quickly.

If I cannot actually stop and listen to someone because I am so upset with them, I typically just take a break from them. I’ll tell them that I can’t have a conversation with them and that I need some time. However, I will typically avoid talking to them about a topic I know will spark an issue until I have already calmed down.

CH 11--- Managing Others' Conflicts

As I was reading about the different ways in which people can be involved in other people's conflicts, I couldn't help but think how we already ARE, in a sense, mediators.  For example, how many times (this is probably more with the ladies) have two of your mutual friends gotten into a fight and they come to you to vent about it? I know for me, I am really good at seeing issues in a neutral manner, so typically when both of these people tell me what's going on, I will listen, and then give my opinion on where their fault was in the situation. This typically allows for people to see how THEY could have reacted differently and how that might of had an impact on the overall problem because they have an unbiased, outsider view of what is going on. Also, sometimes people just need to hear how dumb and immature they're being, which coincides with  how the text talks about how it is being viewed by others.

This also made me think of my dad when it said, "Competitive communication is self-serving because it serves as a vehicle through which individuals attempt to distort the other's perceptions of the situation in order to gain an advantage," (pg 198) because he used to always tell me, "there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth." I think this is great to keep in mind while being a mediator because I think no matter how much you might attempt to tell your side of the story honestly, you're still going to be biased because you are automatically going to see most of the fault on the other party. 

I think knowing how to effectively be a mediator is an important trait because it is natural for us to get involved in other peoples' affairs, and it is unlikely that we can totally remove ourselves from hostile and undesirable situations. 

CHAPTER 3

I thought it was interesting reading about the different types of options and their effects when dealing with conflict.

In my family, we're very assertive communicators, so, initially, it was odd for me to read about people who are not able to say their opinion and get their message across because there is no such thing as passive-aggressive behavior or nonassertive behavior in my family, and I must say that as I was reading I was sort of smug because I was thinking to myself, "we must be pretty good communicators because we don't neglect to give our opinions."

I was wrong.

In my family, we don't always use effective means of communication because often times we feel that if we are able to hurt the other person, we can "win" the argument (side note: In another class I am taking they make a point that Aristotle believed that the point of communication was to discover the truth rather than to win an argument. I thought this was relevant because it doesn't make a different if you are the "winner" if you still leave not knowing the origins of the issues or have a definite conclusion).

Something that I thought of was what my dad used to tell me when I would get into fights with my mom because I thought she was wrong: "Would you rather be happy or right?" and, though I used to tell him being right WOULD make me happy, he had a great point. By meeting her half way and seeing her point of view, it would allow her to see mine and we could both be happy.

Back to the original point I was making (I know I talk a lot..now you can see why I am studying communications), My family is typically more focused on "winning" than resolving, which is why patterns are consistent, and we very frequently verbally attack each other in doing this.

One sentence from the text that stuck out to me was [relating to managing conflict]: "it requires that a person believe that the concerns of the other person are as important as one's own and adopt the goal of finding mutually satisfying solutions to problems and resolutions of issues, which takes time and effort," (pg 57). I really liked this because it reminded me of what we discussed previously about meeting people half-way and seeing their view. People need to realize that they can get more bees with honey than vinegar, so if they are able to try to make someone else happy, it can often lead to good things for them.

Chapter 2

I thought this chapter had a lot of great information and insight.

For example, it talks about the ways in which to examine a situation and be dynamic, which is very important. I think most people would agree that there as been a time when someone confronts them and views them in a non-processual light. This could include holding them accountable for things that they did a long time ago as if they haven't changed (i'm not saying people shouldn't be held accountable for their actions). To the contrary, I do think it is important, like later stated, to realize when someone is unwilling to communicate effectively with you, and attain a real solution (the Competitive arguer), and perhaps cut your losses.

I have always considered myself to be a person who is able to see the opposing viewpoint, but when reading, I realized I can sometimes make the situation about myself. The example about telling the person who expected a phone call that, "I know exactly how you feel. I missed a call last week," DOES take the focus off the person who was initially upset and turns the situation around.

I think all of the tips in the book are great and effective ways to get your point across, keep your cool, deliver your message, and attain real results.

Chapter 1

I thought this was a really interesting chapter. As I was going through it, I was realizing that much of what I thought to be true about conflict wasn't, or was ineffective. For example, I have pretty much always seen conflict as a bad thing: you get into a HUGE fight with someone and then your relationship can often be altered, depending on how far the fight escalates instead of being something that allows for people to express their feelings and make permanent and effective changes for their relationships.

I thought it was interesting how it talked about the Linear Model of Communication and how people tend to focus on BLAMING someone else for the problem instantaneously instead of also realizing their role in it.

It's true, too, that people often let a conflict escalate to the point where the original issues isn't even key; people will get worked up over something, and then soon enough low blows are being thrown all around.

Furthermore, you cannot have a functional relationship if you cannot have productive conflicts. For example, a friendship of mine recently ended because she was unable to ATTEMPT to see my point of view, despite how much I was willing to see hers.

I think there actually might be an environmental factor that has a role in how much people are able to meet others half-way.

For example, I think a lot of people who are native to the Bay Area have a much more open view of certain political hotspots due to how liberal it is here. However, my aunt who is from the South will not meet anyone half-way on issues she does not agree with. This has to do with the environment in which she was raised.

Hi,

I know I'm late but I wanted to introduce myself!

Sara