one of the topics that stuck out in my mind was the “I-Statement.” I thought it was really interesting how it talks about word choice in matters concerning conflict. The book talks about “owning” our feelings, which I thought was interesting. I know I sometimes find myself putting the blame on other people without realizing I am doing it. For example, to avoid feeling vulnerable, I will tell someone that they DID something in a situation instead of telling them how I actually FEEL regarding the issue. I do this because I don’t like the feeling of letting people know that something that happened made me feel a certain way, so it’s easier (and, frankly, it sort of makes me feel like I am the one who is dominant in the situation because I am assigning the blame) to ignore how I am truly feeling. I think the way the text describes the effects of not actually explaining your emotions has on an argument. For example, the book says, “accepting responsibility linguistically to result in defensiveness from the other person,” (77), which made a lot of sense. If one person is assigning all the blame and one person won’t accept any of it, the conversation won’t get far.
That was an interesting point you made that you feel dominant when you assign the blame on someone else because they did something and you had certain feelings. I agree, I think I do feel dominant when I assign blame.
ReplyDeleteThe section in our textbook on “I-Statements” was interesting. It was not the first time I’d read about how the “I-Statement” can make a difference in conflicts. I’ve tried using it, and it feels so artificial. The authors of our book wrote that new behavior involved in trying to replace bad habits can seem artificial. They wrote, “However, what one learns, one can unlearn.” I don’t think it’s so much a matter of unlearning, I think it’s a matter of repeating the new behavior so many times that it no longer seems artificial. I guess I will try making “I-Statements” again, hopefully long enough for them to seem more natural.
I agree with your post in that I am also someone who needs to work on "owning" their feelings. It is very difficult to be straight forward with our feelings at times, which is why assigning blame can seem like the easier option. I also think your last scentence is very true; that if one person is assigning blame and the other won't accept it, then the conversation will not go very far- the quote that you chose from the text represents this well. I have had plenty of experience with this first hand, from both perspectives, and it is something I am hoping to eliminate from any future conflicts.
ReplyDeleteGinger,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are talking about! There are times where I do put blame on others but not even realizing I do it. I believe that this happens because we do it to a significant other, or we do it because are scared of the consequences. Although I try to put the blame on others; sometimes it happens where I feel like I need to be in control of a conflict or situation so that people don't walk all over me or just to hide how I really feel inside. The examples that you share are wonderful and I can really relate to it; hopefully everything goes well and that the book could teach us students different concepts towards conflict and how to handle them.
Hi Ginger, I enjoyed reading your post. I too enjoyed learning about the “I-statements”. We rarely stop to look at how we might be adding to the conflict. When reading this chapter, I considered how often I use “you-statements” and point the blame at the other person. It makes so much more sense to just explain how you feel rather than making low blows at the other person. Obviously, when we attack others, they are going to get defensive, and the vicious cycle of conflict will continue. I like that you mention how it is easier to just blame the other person for the problem because it makes you feel more dominant in the conversation. I feel the same. But I now realize that it is not about being dominant, it is about seeing eye to eye.
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