The first example that came to my head was my friend who, out of the blue (well, to us at least because we were unaware there was a problem) decided to "drop" my best friend and I as friends. She literally stopped talking to us, was unresponsive and it took her best friend (who was also one of my best friends) telling me (after I asked) that she no longer had a desire to be friends anymore.
I was really angry for a while. I felt like she was a tactless coward and after so many years of friendship, the LEAST she could have done was talk to me about what she was feeling or say it to my face instead ignoring me. I was also extremely confused by her actions because just a few weeks before all this happened, she gave me a birthday present and we seemed okay.
Later on, she contacted me and wanted to talk. We met up and discussed the issue, but the trust had been breached: I didn't know HOW to talk to her because I was still so upset with how she had previously handled things. I told her we could try to be friends again, and sure enough with enough time, things went back to the way they were originally.
In retrospect, I think that I felt pressured to either accept or deny her apology instantly rather than letting things sit and wait until I was actually able to forgive her instead of saying I was over it when I wasn't.
It sounds like your experience is what the text calls, “cheap forgiveness” (p.177). It would be better if people that ask for forgiveness were aware that it does not automatically equate to reconciliation. But most people don’t seem to know that and expect an apology to just make things the way they were before- like your friend seemed to assume. I wonder how the relationship with her is going now ? Do you find yourself not quite able to share with her like you did before? Maybe, if possible, you could let her know that you were hurt and how you would prefer conflicts be handled in the future?
ReplyDeleteGinger,
ReplyDeleteI can understand where you are coming from. I had a similar situation happen to me but it was because my two friends one girl and one guy were dating and my guy friend would physically and verbally abuse my girl friend. Then he ends up confronting me at his party and trying to fight me because our friend (his girlfriend) asked for some advise. It funny because I used the "helping orientation" which states that we assume that they love us and desire to help rather than hurt us, as we do them. It really put a strain because how he was treated his girlfriend; just hated how men think women are so vunerable and they think they can have all this power and abuse them. I ended the feud because I don't hold grudges but it still lingers in my mind..Great post really enjoyed it.
I also had a similar situation happen to me. I was friends with three girls (two I had know for a very long time). Over one summer one of the girls and I seemed to drift apart. We didn't hang out as much, I didn't call her to often and she did not call me. When we got back to school in the fall I was still pleasant to her, but she hated one of my friends so much and she felt like she stole me away form her. Due to this explosion of feeling between my friends this girl no longer spoke to me. I thought it was ridiculous that someone could harbor such hostile feeling toward someone and that they could be so immature that they woud not talk to someone, I just don't get the silent treatment thing. To this day the friend I "chose over her" and I are best friends she has been there for me through so many things, many I'm sure the other girl would have been. I would never go back and make a different decision.
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